Saving the World

I'm sitting here trying to save the world. It doesn't feel like I have gotten very far though.

I'm an academic support counselor for a TRiO program. For those of you who don't know what TRiO is, here is a link: TRiO There are three different types of people to recognize in relation to TRiO: One kind of person may disagree with federally funded programs - especially in regards to education. Some other kind of person may be all for them. The third type of person works for them. I'm the latter. It doesn't matter if I disagree or agree. I'm receiving a paycheck. I care. I am saving the world by encouraging individuals to complete college so they can eventually be self-sufficient in the professional world and to hopefully create a world where some day, there won't need to be any government funded programs such as ourselves.

Unfortunately, not everyone succeeds. Some of the individuals I work with fail and don't make it through, so in 10 years, we may see their son or daughter in our program and hope that this time it will stick and they will see it through until the end.

So why do I even care if these students finish college? Why do I care if their learning skills aren't up to par? I received my degree. I'm making it in the world. I am smart enough that I could have gotten a business degree, marketing degree, or some other fancy schmancy title. I could have made the big bucks (like W1). Why did I choose this profession?

It's hard for me to say that I have this life-changing story where I couldn't have made it through college, or paid for college on my own, if it weren't for this person or that person. I was almost a 4.0 student in high school and college. My parents were emotionally and financially supportive (even though they didn't go to college). They didn't help much on the academic side because they hadn't gone through the process before. Where the funds from them were lacking, I made up for working part-time all four years of college. I survived mostly on my own...I got by and landed a job a couple of months after graduation. So why do I care if others make it through school?
Because I want to save the world. As each person graduates, a job is expected. As each job is accepted, a life is sustained by his or herself. Each life that is sustained by his or herself, means one less hungry mouth, one less naked person, one less person starving for a dream never fulfilled. Education isn't the end all be all, but it certainly helps a person be all they can be by the end of their life. That way they can sit back at retirement and look at accomplishements reached and stomped on regrets. What are you doing to save the world?

BIG

"My God is so big, so strong and so mighty. There's nothing my God cannot do." I can just hear little W singing this song as he gets ready to lay his little head on his pillow to fall fast asleep. As W2 sings this, I wonder to myself if he believes this song and I pray that he comes to know the power of Jesus as he grows into a young man.

Wait. Do I believe this song? Do I believe in the power of the Almighty? It's such a sweet little kids song that makes me smile when W2 sings it. When I stop to think about it though I realize the weight of this song and all that it is saying. Our God is powerful, strong. Nothing is impossible with God. He can make anything happen. He can overcome our fears - all the way from fears of the dark and bruises and bumps as little children, to fears of financial insecurity and fears of losing family as big adults. He is bigger than our problems. He can make a way when there seems to be no way - from trying to hit that ball in little league to trying to find purpose in the big leagues of life. God is God. I'm going to let Him be God today. I will do what I can do and then let God handle it from there. He's big enough.

Which brings me to another kid's song: "Do your best and let God do all the rest!"

Committing to Commit

I love coffee. That's all there is to it. I try and I try to give it up, try to fast from it for awhile, try to completely nix it from my diet. I love it. Almost to the point where I need it. I used to HATE coffee, but I drank it because most often that was the only caffeine I could get my hands on, and because I had sworn soda off at one point in my life and refused to drink it. Thus my only caffeinated option was coffee. So yes, it's true what they say, it is an aquired taste. And I love that acquired taste.

***Confession Alert***

So at the beginning of the new year, I was challenged at church to fast. It could be from food, it could be from soda, from anything that could potentially be a sacrifice if you gave it up. I chose to participate in the Daniel Fast - meaning basically a plant-based diet - no caffeine, no meats, no breads, no sweets, no dairy. This included my beloved coffee. I chose my length of time to fast for one week. (Even though it is typically a three week fast.) So Monday through Sunday. Well, today is Thursday and I'm drinking coffee and back to my regular diet...I can't say I didn't try. To quote the daily devotional I read from yesterday, "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young (written from the prospective of Jesus), "People usually associate victory with success: not falling or stumbling, not making mistakes. But those who are successful in their own strength tend to go their own way, forgetting about Me. It is through problems and failure, weakness and neediness that you learn to rely on Me." And boy did I rely on Him the previous three days! Doing the Daniel fast even for three days was a challenge for me (okay two and a half days...) and I prayed hard yesterday afternoon that God would give me strength and courage to press on. He did give me strength. So much strength. I was so thankful and blessed. But I gave in. And God still loves me. He will continue to give me strength and allow me to press through and will be here with me. He will also be with me whenever I choose to fast again.

Those three days were hard (not trying to play the "woe is me" card). The days weren't only hard because of the fast but also because I returned to work. Now it's not like my job is the hardest or that I don't like it. I actually get a lot of fullfillment from my work. I love helping people, especially students who are trying to better their lives with education. I think I was mourning Christmas break. I had waited so long for it and now it's over. I was mourning my lack of food. Not eating food or drinking coffee makes me cranky (as my husband found out rather quickly). I think I was also wrestling with the fact that I was only five days into the New Year and I had already quit two things - my fast and a ministry at church. Two things that involved trusting God.

I struggle with trusting God in commitments I make. Of course after being married, the biggest commitment of all, I have taken a HUGE step toward trusting Him more. This marriage and stepmom commitment I've made has largely been successful because I've relied on God. I haven't ever needed to rely on God more than this time in my life. And it is so worth it. I'm so glad I've made these two commitments, and the other commitments I have made or will make pale in comparison. But isn't it funny that God has had to teach me the importance of commitment by me making a HUGE commitment. He didn't start small. Shoot! I can't even commit to a book...I have a common tendency to read a couple chapters of a book (or skim highlighted text in books I've read before) and then literally set that book down only to pick up a different one and repeat the process. No, He didn't teach me commitment with a small task. He taught it to me with the biggest, most worthwhile commitment I'll ever make in my life. Maybe as I keep praying in the thick of this commitment and keep relying on His strength, I will meet success with other victorious commitments. Or I'll just realize that some things are just more important worrying about than others - committing to be a good mom vs. committing to read a good book about how to be a great mom, or committing to be an understanding and loving wife vs. committing to every ministry in the church, or committing to be a reliable and hardworking employee vs. committing to give up coffee for five days. Of course, it's all about balance, but some causes deserve more attention than others. And yes, God can speak and work through my failures, my giving-ups and more than anything my neediness. If we weren't needy, there would be no need for God. This woman needs God.

In the Spirit for Hope

It's Christmastime! I have so many reasons to feel excited and blessed! Still trying to fully get "in the spirit" but mostly enjoying time with family and friends. What does it even mean to get "in the spirit?" Should I be wearing red and green argyle sweaters with bells on my socks? If so...maybe I've never gotten "in the spirit." Is it learning to think outside of yourself to give a gift to someone in need? Is it learning to be generous with your resources so that you can give to those you love? Is it putting a snowman on your front porch to glow a "welcome" sign? All of these are beautiful wonderful things, but I want to reflect on Jesus for a minute. A baby born to save my life, to bring me true peace and show me how to hope.

Hope is what I believe to be the true spirit of Christmas. Of course there's love and joy and preparing yourself for the baby King. But true hope. We hope for gifts, for time with family, for some yummy candy or a delicious dinner. And then there's the true hope of salvation, the true hope of reconciliation, the true hope of a life uncommon. Christmas reminds me to hope. To look toward renewing of the spirit and the gifts of God to be given for His glory.

That's what I hope for in my life and in my family. For His gifts to be made known in each one of us. That we would each find our role and our niche. Our purpose, not only in our nuclear family but in our extended family as well as our Kingdom family.

Praise God that I have a family this Christmas. Praise God I'm in the Kingdom family. Praise God I get to be a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and an aunt this year all together for the first time. And hoping that my earthly family will know and receive God's hope, joy, love and peace. I will end with Relient K's song "I Celebrate the Day:"

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

Intent to Try

I truly am blessed to be in this season in my life: newly married, newly mom, and a career woman who tries to seek Jesus in every aspect of life. (Emphasis on the word TRIES.) From the words of Sydney Fife from "I Love You Man" (not a recommended family movie, btw), "Trying is having the intention to fail. You've got to scrap that word from your vocab. Say you're gonna do it and you will." This is a true statement, Sydney, but without the word TRY, my intent becomes perfection. Perfection is a nice thing to strive for, but as a perfectionist by nature, the need for it can ruin a good day for me.

The Husby told me the other night through my tear-filled eyes that God made me the way I am and I'm perfect for Him and that I'm perfect for him as well. Of course that brought more tears to my eyes...tears of joy. W1 gently reminds me that W2 is testing the boundaries, that he really does love me. No love is perfect, expect for Jesus'. When I have a hard time showing my love to Him ALL the time, why should I expect a small, learning child to show love to me. "Patience", Jessica, just like I tell W2 "patience" when he's waiting for Christmas to come or waiting for his juice to be poured. God's grace is real. I can't even count how many times I have felt the depth of His grace and unfortunately I can't even explain it. But I will TRY to show it to W1, W2 and others in my life as God allows me to. I won't always succeed, but with God's strength and His unconditional love, He will gently remind me that I'm perfect for Him.

Childfull

Blogs can be so cliche sometimes and I'm hesitant to begin this. My thought on this began when I was googling around the internet for stepmom websites for stepmoms who do not have their own biological children. There were some heated discussions out there about the so called "childless" stepmoms. Some would say that term is an oxymoron because if you're a stepmom then obviously you have child(ren) in some shape or form. And then others would say "woe is me" because I really wasn't prepared for this child, or my husband always takes the children's side, etc...I won't continue on with all that I've seen. None of the sites really grabbed me or compelled me to join in their discussions. Since I don't know many, if any at all, so called "childless" stepmoms, I'm not sure if this blog will benefit anyone but myself. I guess it's my outlet to vent, to share the joys and maybe to shed some light on God's perfect plan for my, W1's (husband) and W2's (stepson) new family. I may post other topics unrelated to specifically being a stepmom and since I am declaring myself a stepmom these are my stories...about momhood, life, my faith, and the joys and struggles that surround our family.